Disappointment is an inevitable part of our life. Yet, wounds caused by the closest people hurt the most. According to Jeffrey Bernstein, a family psychologist, there are three prevailing reasons why a relationship fails.
Why do we fail?
Reason # 1 Negativity
Life doesn’t consist of positive moments only. When a person falls a victim to negativity, it becomes very hard to notice good things even when a black stripe is over. It may happen that you’ve got acquainted with a person who knows how to be happy about the slightest pleasures, but it turns out they aren’t able to withstand life hardships later on. Moreover, if we are trying to help our partner to become optimistic again, they may consider this as humiliation.
As Jeffrey Bernstein explains, when a close person gets immersed in negativity, we have to waste our energy not only on finding a solution to this difficult problem but on preserving our own positive view on the world full of grief and happiness. If this is the case, we often risk experiencing emotional devastation. In terms of psychoanalysis, the negativity of this kind is the first sign that you don’t find your partner as attractive as before, which may also be a sign of depression. However, depression isn’t the most dangerous point here.
In some cases, depression even helps to stabilize a relationship if a partner wants to help a suffering person. Problems evolve when depression goes together with a loss of attraction. We may be tolerant of a partner’s negativity as a character trait or temporary phenomenon caused by depression provided that a sexual basis of a relationship isn’t ruined. Should we find a partner physically not attractive, a relationship is likely to be doomed.
Reason #2 Distance
She isn’t tender anymore, she doesn’t ask you questions about your day so that you start wondering if she cares about you as before? Every time you want to openly discuss the problems bothering you, a partner keeps silent. They pretend not to hear you at all.
Such distancing means that we aren’t interested in a partner as a personality anymore. When people want to build a relationship, they start erasing differences and finding similarities: every aspect of each other’s life seems interesting and important. Yet, in the moment of psychological separation, we, on the contrary, notice the differences only and avoid senseless contacts.
Very often, distancing from a partner which leads to a complete loss of interest towards them turns out to be a neurotic imitation of a crisis we went through as children leaving our parents’ control zone. If we stick to the same scenario in a partnership, it means that we subconsciously perceive our partner’s influence as destructive and oppressive and want to get rid of it.
Jeffrey Bernstein believes that the partner’s demonstration that they are deliberately avoiding you is one of the forms of passive aggression. What makes the matters worse, it’s one of the most painful forms of aggression for those who have to face a close person’s indifference.
Reason #3 Criticism
Constant critical remarks endanger a relationship the most. The point is that you have to live with a feeling that a close person is dissatisfied with you, they either tell it directly or make fun of you, which is no less painful. If we lose interest in a not close person, we may still preserve business or functional relations with them; in case we disrespect our significant other, there is no sense to keep in touch with them. One should be very courageous to approach their “enemy”, try to reconcile with them, and start respecting again. Not all people are ready for this inner work.
Another important point to remember is that you should never criticize each other’s sexual sides.
Every person has a conscious or subconscious image of sexual self-identification. It is the way we imagine ourselves as lovers when our sexual resource is maximally turned on. Once a partner ruins our sexual self-image, we stop feeling sexual attraction towards them.
Thus, tips for women:
· Never create a cowardly and miserable image of your man. Otherwise, you’d better leave him at once because he will soon become useless to you as a man. The point is that a man is especially vulnerable to a woman he loves. Why cut your own throat?
· Never demonstrate your disgust and contempt, just anger and resentment. Never humiliate him. Learn to quarrel in such a way that you let your aggression off, point out your dissatisfaction, and make love stronger at the same time. It a difficult skill to master, but there is nothing impossible.
Tips for men:
· Never tell your woman she is rude, bulky, and repulsive outside. Never! Forget the word “cellulitis” and all words implying sponginess.
· Remember that you are sexually attractive to her until she feels supreme in your eyes. Just like ripe fruit or flower. Once you’ve broken this image of hers, her sexual desire starts subsiding. Thus, she will be imagining another man, either real or surreal, or nobody. Many women can be frustrated for years and think nothing about sex.
Sexual energy is working as a brush, cleansing everything and making a person light and open to spontaneity. So, a woman has to sustain and create a brave, strong, and sexually magnetic image of her man whereas a man has to sustain an attractive and gracious image of her woman.
A way out?
Your partner’s attempts to impose negative world outlook on you, their wish to distance, as well as constant criticism are gradually destroying the things about each other you valued the most once. Sometimes, it’s even more dangerous than betrayal – another reason for breaking up. Therefore, if you decide to scold a partner, avoid hitting weak points and try to raise their sexual self-image. Following this rule, we show that we are angry but still appreciate our significant other and are ready to fight for them.
Without a doubt, we are ready to justify our behavior with life difficulties, we can endlessly find excuses for our partner’s behavior trying to prove ourselves that they have other wonderful traits. Nonetheless, Bernstein believes that a union is doomed if partners fail to withstand this destructive set. Especially if despite all your attempts, a partner rejects to approach you, to talk to you, or even doesn’t want to think about outer psychological help.
As Bernstein concludes, “even if you decide to part, you’d better consult a professional. It will help you to realize your role in the scenario you’ve gone through in order not to repeat the same mistakes again.”